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| Blogs > ChinRyder > A Life Less Ordinary |
Quit Reading And Help Me Damnit!!
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Quit Reading And Help Me Damnit!! I have a conundrum. For the past week I've become consciously aware that what I write on here is read by others, and that instead of writing just for me I have caught myself trying to play to the crowd when it comes to making another post. See, while life isn't exactly crashing down on me from all sides I have had some really shitty things happen when it comes to a particular relationship. Because of this I am moved to write- to help purge the feelings that I have and make myself feel better. While doing so I have also become keenly aware of how those of you that read this blog might perceive me. That is my problem. I can talk about how I've gone out this weekend, done normal things like work-out, shopping, cooking dinner, had friends over, etc. but now that I have an interested audience I feel as if I have to write more about my misery and pain for fear of losing people. Ed. note- Mr. Ryder has been told throughout his life by a colorful array of people that he thinks too much. This is a prime example. The truth is I'm still thinking about things everyday. I'm trying to understand how someone who cries their eyes out b/c they want to spend the rest of their life with you can decide on a whim that it won't work. I'm trying to grasp how they can violate your trust, disregard your feelings, and treat you like shit, and then tell you that it was your fault for asking too much. Finally, I'm trying to figure out how, after all of this, I can still miss this person and still have such strong feelings for them. At the same time I still feel like I made the right decision. I have high standards, but even at their lowest I don't ever want to be treated like I'm unimportant. What I want to know from you, as a community of adults who have gone through similar experiences, is am I right to feel this way? Did I make the right decision or should I re-establish lines of communication simply to find out what went wrong? I could use that information in future relationships, but I'm worried that in talking I'll be exposing myself to further torture from someone who has already shown that they have a complete disregard for me in general. And if this isn't the way to go, what do you suggest? I have had thoughts of sending a letter to get things out, writing down the events that have transpired over the past seven years into some sort of narrative, or just dropping the whole thing completely- never giving her even one more second of my time and pouring all of my efforts into finding a steady fuck-buddy from this site. I've tried repeatedly in the past to get people to leave a comment. Today I am just going to ask politely. |
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ok I'm 54 and I have had some experiences that I can relate to your situation. The old saying is true "time does heal old wounds." Your a nice looking, sensitive man and you should have no problem finding a decent woman. Just drop it and get it out of your mind, and if she calls after a while be cordial and kiss her off because she will try to play with your head believe me, I know this. So keep being the great person you are and you will have a great life. Margo 
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6/24/2007 12:53 pm |
You don't know me. But you moved me by saying I've tried repeatedly in the past to get people to leave a comment. Today I am just going to ask politely. So I'll just introduce myself : Am Woofff (puts out hand and waits for it to be shaken, patiently) I have high standards, but even at their lowest I don't ever want to be treated like I'm unimportant. I would never, ever let go of that notion. Never. I wish I'd had this insight in my moments of need ... and a future with people who just weren't interested. Did I make the right decision or should I re-establish lines of communication simply to find out what went wrong? I hardly know you. I don't know of how deeply you must have been involved or how helpless you feel with no one there anymore but those blasted feelings within you, regardless. But I know this: Each of us will react to a break up from a set number of ways. Someone will lash out; another will repress; yet another will simply forget about it. Move on. With your ability to introspect as well as have a sense of irony, I can't believe you wouldn't know the lesson. I can't believe you need to hear it from someone to realize it. Ed. note- Mr. Ryder has been told throughout his life by a colorful array of people that he thinks too much. This is a prime example. See above mention of self same irony  Good one.
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I think that continuing to write about how you feel is still the best way forward. The only thing to be gained from contacting her again is even more pain. I really don't think you'll get the answers you are looking for. I hate the phrase 'time heals' because when you're right in the middle of a relationship breakdown, it just doesn't seem possible. But someday soon you wont cry so much and the light at the end of the tunnel will become more and more apparent. Finding a steady fuck-buddy may help but my gut feeling is that you need someone to feel close to. Someone who can read the signs and give you that cuddle when you need it. Someone who you can pour your heart out to but who will just sit and listen. You need skin - someone who can touch you as you cry. As for this worrying about writing for an audience thing - don't. I am constantly worried about what people think of my posts. When I write pages and pages on depressing posts that only relate to me I worry that people wont bother anymore and stop coming back. But why should you care about that? You've got more on your plate to deal with than worrying about your readers! Write what you want to write about. I'm sure most will enjoy what ever you have to say.. I certainly do xxx [post 3969793]
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