Listening to my inner self
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Posted:Jan 24, 2016 2:23 pm
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2016 2:53 pm
11981 Views
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As I work on the emotional health portion of my life the more I realize how unstable and insecure other people are. I am not saying I am the most emotionally stable person out there but I no longer classify myself as an emotional retard.
I know from experience, I am the only one who could save me and I cannot save others. To be emotionally blackmailed is horrible. I know I have done it in my past and I am sorry to those I inflicted upon. I hate questioning if I am the bad person for feeling uncomfortable and wanting to follow my instincts.
There are only so many times you can tell a person that a future between the two will not happen based on life situations. I can care deeply and in another time and place want to be committed to said person. However, the reality of the situation dictates I am not going to change my position and to try to lay guilt is not fair. From this I am finally learning there can be no friendship between ex's. Both will always carry hope of something different and both are bound to be let down.
Life is not always fair or gives what we want but that is life. We grieve and move on. It's just the way it goes.
I am finally cleaning house; letting go of what will never be. Purging of sorts. I am a person that has wants, goals, and dreams that I can achieve on my own. With a person in a similar position in life would be amazing but having another for the sake of it will not make me whole.
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Drive fast and take chances
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Posted:Jan 21, 2016 6:13 pm
Last Updated:Jan 22, 2016 11:25 am
12523 Views
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Okay so I am not driving that fast but I am taking chances. I am learning to step out of my comfort zone. I do not make resolutions however last January when K died I told myself I would start living. I didn't do much of that last year.
I am planning a solo vacation for March in Hawaii. I booked a long weekend in Seattle for my best friend's birthday. I am going to take burlesque classes.
On the work front, I asked for a transfer to our Bellevue office. I don't imagine it will happen in 2016 because of the accounts I currently have but I do think it is going to happening. If it doesn't by Jan 2017, I will look for something elsewhere.
I stayed in Alaska because of K, and the thought my sister may need me. She has not spoken to me since June so I am guessing she is fine. She has traveled often and is off to Costa Rica in a couple of days. I would not take back staying, I was here for Katie and her final months. I would never trade that.
Romantically things are not different than they were the last six years. I love someone but it is never going to be. Totally different places in our lives. Always wrong time\right guy or right guy\wrong time. I am not upset about it. If I am meant to be with someone then it will happen.
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New Year
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Posted:Jan 1, 2016 12:15 pm
Last Updated:Jan 21, 2016 5:55 pm
10914 Views
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Happy New Year- I hope 2015 ended on a positive note for you. I wish you peace, adventure, and happiness for the upcoming year.
I am thankful to see 2015 go away. 2015 brought me horrible moments as well as wonderfully touching moments.
I changed careers.
Our K passed away from her long battle with cancer, before her death I was able to get to know her more than I thought I could. Her beautiful soul is not lost to me. Many time since I have felt her and said hello with tears and smiles.
My heart broke over the end of a relationship I thought was my forever.
My life almost ended at my own doing.
My relationship with M was strengthened with that episode.
My relationship with my sister was not ruined but placed on hold.
I learned to express my feelings instead of holding in and feeling resentful.
M had her surgery that makes her able to feel her legs and toes again.
Her smile was worth the worry.
Mugs ate raisins and almost died. Raisins. They are toxic to dogs.
I brought in the new year in bed with my and two cats, my boys.
I woke up clear, ready for the challenge of 2016.
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Coming home
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Posted:Dec 13, 2015 6:09 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 5:18 am
11285 Views
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It's always been difficult for me to come home to Anchorage. I rarely get excited about being here. M was so happy to be coming back yesterday, I had to hide my feelings about it. I wanted her to be happy. This is her place. It's not mine though.
M's surgery went well, she had a couple of set backs but she now can feel her toes so set backs schmet backs.
Tomorrow is back to work; not sure how I feel about being in the Anchorage office. Not much of a choice but not feeling it.
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Closing the year out
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Posted:Nov 22, 2015 10:41 am
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 5:18 am
11564 Views
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It is almost the end of a very bad, no good year. I will be happy to say good-bye to 2015. I leave in a week to head out of state with my M for her surgery. It is very true what they say about your babies always being your babies. At 21, I can't imagine her going through this alone and I am selfishly thankful her BF is not able to go.
It's the time of year at work that life outside of the office is minimal. I have spent more time there than I have at home. While in Seattle for the surgery I will be working remote which means I am available 24 hours a day. That housewife thing is sounding pretty good around now.
A few weeks ago I decided to see what the dating community was like; I signed up on M.C and the harmony place. Guess what? I had one date where I spent 2 hours listening to a man describe his wonder ex-wife. I did convince him to call her and tell her the things he said about her to me. Who knows if they are back together but I hope so.
That was it. So I came back here to see how the other people are doing in their love lives.
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Again
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Posted:Nov 12, 2015 7:16 pm
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2015 10:30 am
11952 Views
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I reactivated my account yesterday; I miss the blogs. I miss writing my stuff even if I don't share much. I can't say there has been much going on in the past 2 months other than work. I had briefly thought the ex and I were going to get back together. I was wrong, which is really not a horrible thing. There is a reason he is an ex now, does not matter who left who.
I can say it has been a pretty lonely few months. I realize,after being in a serious relationship for almost a year, that I want that. I want someone to sleep with most of my week. I miss cuddling and well sex, there is something about sex with someone I care about that just cannot be matched.
I am still going to therapy a couple of time of week. I really did not expect it to be so hard to work on myself.
On a different subject; what do you all think of arranged marriages?
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Waiting
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Posted:Sep 13, 2015 6:22 pm
Last Updated:Nov 12, 2015 7:09 pm
13454 Views
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What I am about to write will sound pissy however it is more an observation of myself.
I am the in between woman. I am the one people are with on their way to the one. I am not the one. I have a couple people that think I am the one however I am positive I am not their forever-ever.
I am the one who gets called when the person is horny & lonely. Then once they are busy or find someone I am left for later. It may be a few weeks, months and sometimes a year but they always contact me again.
I should start looking for long time love rather than temporary love. So year I am waiting for the one I have not met yet.
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Bittersweet and other thoughts
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Posted:Aug 9, 2015 3:38 pm
Last Updated:Aug 12, 2015 12:57 pm
13802 Views
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I am back from my weekend with M. She is 21 tomorrow! I am in awe of her and the fact I am old enough to have a 21 year old. She has grown to be a beautiful, smart, loving woman. What mom could ask for anything more from her ?
Having her on her own really reminds me it is my time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I will be 40 in three weeks and I have been floundering the last few years.
As big as this state is I am amazed at where you can run into people. Nothing to do with the above two paragraphs but thoughts all the same.
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21 things to expect when you date a strong woman
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Posted:Aug 6, 2015 3:00 pm
Last Updated:Aug 6, 2015 8:01 pm
13692 Views
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Copied from 39lawless bog...
Here are 21 things to expect when you date a strong woman
1. Strong women are on a mission. Expect the mission to be an important theme in the relationship. Both will be equally important to her but don’t make her choose.
2. Strong women like to be self-sufficient. Expect things to be difficult for her to take a step back and relinquish some control. Don’t worry, she will eventually become more comfortable taking a back seat when the time is right.
3. Strong women are creative and have an open mind so expect new ideas and potential change to be a constant topic of conversation.
4. Strong women do not waste time on other people’s drama so do not try to engage in gossip or talking badly about others.
5. Strong women are comfortable asking for they want and need, so expect open and direct lines of communication with little sugar-coating.
6. Strong women take care of themselves, so expect them to spend time and money on things that make them feel and look good.
7. Strong women recharge alone, so don’t expect them to be available every waking moment.
8. Strong women surround themselves with other empowered women and these relationships are important. Expect her to devote time and energy to these relationships as equally as she does yours.
9. Strong women seek information so expect her to question your feelings, where the relationship stands, and where it’s headed.
10. Strong women are very clear on their visions, goals and want they want to accomplish in life so expect her to want to see similar ambitions in you.
11. Strong women believe in the possibility, so expect her to look for solutions rather than giving up.
12. Strong women recognize when things are not working and will immediately make the necessary changes to correct the course. You should expect action instead of endless discussion.
13. Strong women let few people into her inner circle so expect her to put up some walls until she is sure you can be trusted and are comfortable with her headstrong ways.
14. Strong women have a strong sense of morality so expect your values to be questioned. She will not feel comfortable pursuing a relationship if your values do not align or are in conflict with hers.
15. Strong women thrive on doing many things that matter to them, so expect activities and projects to have a purpose.
16. Strong women don’t feel they need anyone else, that they alone are enough. Expect her to be conflicted about wanting to need you at first, but give it time and she will come around.
17. Strong women are grateful for the abundance in their life and you can expect to actively practice gratitude throughout your relationship.
18. Strong women tend to focus on the positive and keep negativity at bay, so expect your negative thoughts to be questioned and challenged.
19. Strong women accept responsibility, refuse to blame and won’t accept excuses so expect to be honest about your role in a situation. Once a situation is dealt with, consider it in the past because she doesn’t hold grudges.
20. Strong women display a strong persona so expect to be a little intimidated. She will be slow to show her vulnerabilities.
21. Strong women hold their fears of being hurt, being left, and becoming too dependent close to their heart so expect to work hard to win her love.
Of course, a strong woman is much more than the things listed here and the important takeaway is to expect a relationship, not a dalliance. Strong women rarely engage in a relationship that doesn’t serve her, so expect to fully commit.
Empowered women are strong yet vulnerable, love openly yet hold their feelings close and trust fully yet are slow to give it. You have to be willing to peel back the layers to get to her heart. If you can get through the outer layers of a strong woman, you will be rewarded with a loving, honest and fulfilling relationship.
~from PowerOfPositivity
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Starting to think future
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Posted:Jul 26, 2015 1:37 pm
Last Updated:Aug 7, 2015 11:42 pm
13956 Views
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A few years ago I was very interested in owning and running a bed and breakfast. I put that on hold because it seemed like an odd desire for someone who has only worked in the corporate, medical world.
A few days ago I was speaking with a close friend and when I mentioned it she said it was also something she had dreamed of doing. So here we are. We live in an amazing place where many people visit. She is a great cook, I have a great business mind. So why not?
Well there is the financial aspect. In order to purchase a place big enough we would need a substantial amount of money. Most places here are in need of updates.
I think I need an investor. Banks are not so keen on loaning for this type of thing.
Has anyone done this? Just stepped off the ledge and opened a business? How is/did it work out? How did you secure funding?
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Big weekend
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Posted:Jul 19, 2015 5:58 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 5:18 am
8890 Views
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It was a big weekend of nothing and everything. I woke up Friday with a migraine that stayed with me the entire day until about mid evening. I had planned on going to the Motley Crue concert but ended up giving my tickets away. I realized the migraine was mostly likely stress related to the concert. I had gotten the tickets for him as a father's day gift. I didn't want to go without him. That's what it came down to. Once I gave the tickets away I started feeling better.
Of course the migraine did not completely go away. I tend to get the hangover headache from them.
Saturday was a morning of cleaning both the house and the dog. Ran errands around town and then dinner and bed early. I was not in a mood to see people although I was in a mood for cuddling, so cuddle with the I did.
Today I had many plans but accomplished on a couple, cleaned the garage and did my gardening. So yeah, that's my big weekend.
I hope you all had a great weekend.
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Just a cuddle
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Posted:Jul 15, 2015 9:32 pm
Last Updated:Jul 19, 2015 5:44 pm
8940 Views
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I am not kidding when I say this-there are cuddle meetup groups. Not in Alaska but they are there. At first I thought this was ridiculous but the more I think about it, sounds like a reasonable idea. Nights like tonight I want to cuddle, that's it. Fall asleep feeling someone next to me and wake up that way.
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What's with this hot or not thing?
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Posted:Jul 13, 2015 8:25 pm
Last Updated:Jul 14, 2015 7:03 pm
8101 Views
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When I sign on through my phone the first thing I get is pictures of guys all over the country. The first couple of times I ignored it and went to the home page. Then I started going through them and saying hot to those I thought were and basically not to the ones that only showed their junk.
Apparently when you swipe hot it shows as a view from you. So now I have so many people from around the country viewing my profile. Which would be great if it was actually someone I could meet and know.
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