Confucius Say...
|
Posted:Sep 9, 2015 10:37 am
Last Updated:Sep 13, 2015 2:51 am
4735 Views
|
Confucius Say...
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.
Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.
Confucius Say.
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy
Confucius Say.
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out ... you lose interest.
Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.
Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Say.
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
SIMPLE TRUTH
|
Posted:Sep 8, 2015 1:36 pm
Last Updated:Sep 8, 2015 6:40 pm
4865 Views
|
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH #2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."
the Five Rules to Remember in Life
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
AND A BONUS RULE:
6. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex;
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
should be in a dictionary.
|
Posted:Sep 2, 2015 11:12 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 1:45 am
4635 Views
|
These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
And is now growing in the middle.****
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.****
CHICKENS:
*The only animals you eat before they are born and after they
are dead.****
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.****
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.****
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.****
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.****
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.****
RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.****
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.****
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.****
TOOTHACHE ***
The pain that drives you to extraction.****
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.****
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.****
And MY Personal Favorite!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, ****
Similar to my character lines.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
A GLASS OF WINE
|
Posted:Aug 31, 2015 2:50 pm
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2015 6:48 pm
4529 Views
|
A GLASS OF WINE
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand:
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually. However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine &beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of Shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Very Punny
|
Posted:Aug 26, 2015 1:14 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 1:45 am
4828 Views
|
Very Punny...
I tried to catch some fog ... I mist.
When chemists die they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier that survived salt spray, mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian restaurant but I never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I included a section on puns in a theatrical performance. It was a play on words.
They told me that I had Type A blood but it was a
TypeO
A dyslexic man walks into a bra. It was soft and pointed.
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
There was a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
I hope that there's no pop quiz.
The Energizer bunny was arrested and charged with battery.
I didn't like my bear at first. Then it grew on me.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesarus.
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I wondered why the basketball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
old prospector
|
Posted:Aug 25, 2015 1:23 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 1:45 am
4543 Views
|
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El-Indio, Texas, leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrel shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, ", have you ever kissed a mule's Ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... But ... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old folks, they didn't get old by being stupid.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Political incorrects
|
Posted:Aug 24, 2015 4:48 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 1:45 am
4309 Views
|
Political incorrects
Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'.
Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the telephone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Who the hell is Eric?
|
Posted:Aug 22, 2015 7:46 am
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2015 6:49 pm
4593 Views
|
Who the hell is Eric?
Well, Eric is the geezer who got home late one night:
Marilyn his wife was waiting for him with...
"Where the hell have you been?"
Eric replies "I was getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my willy" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would a Certified Public Accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his willy?"
"Well ... One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand...
And lastly ... Instead of you going out shopping all the time,
now you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks
anytime you want!!"
Eric is presently in the Intensive Care Unit.
I'm afraid there are no visitors until further notice!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Just a quick joke
|
Posted:Aug 21, 2015 5:55 pm
Last Updated:Aug 21, 2015 6:29 pm
4224 Views
|
How about this one?
Roses are red, Nuts are brown,
Skirts go up, pants go down;
Body to body, skin to skin,
When it's stiff, stick it in.
It goes in dry and comes out wet, and the longer it's in the stronger it gets.
It comes out dripping and it starts to sag,
It's not what you think,
It's a LIPTON Tea Bag!
GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Aphorism
|
Posted:Aug 11, 2015 1:07 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 1:45 am
4533 Views
|
Aphorism – a short, pointed sentence that emits/expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth.
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a who is afraid of the dark to become a who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m.; for example, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says It's only a game; when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with saggy tattoos?
18. Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Chevy.
19. After 65, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people who matter don't mind and the ones who mind don't matter.
21. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
And REMEMBER...
POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
5 FACTS ABOUT LIFE
|
Posted:Aug 10, 2015 9:48 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 1:45 am
4347 Views
|
5 FACTS ABOUT LIFE
1) No matter how beautiful/ handsome you are, just remember that baboons and gorillas also attract tourists.
2) No matter how big and strong you are, you shall not carry yourself to the grave.
3) No matter how tall you are, you can never see tomorrow.
4) No matter how light skinned you are, you always need a light in the dark.
5) No matter how rich and how many cars you have, you will always walk to the toilet...
So take it easy ... life is short...
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Once upon a time there was a king
|
Posted:Jul 21, 2015 11:42 am
Last Updated:Aug 3, 2015 2:44 am
5006 Views
|
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and asked about the upcoming weather conditions.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the days ahead.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."
A short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen were totally soaked. Their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a drenched condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and fired the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of Royal Forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential advisory positions.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Another for the old farts theme
|
Posted:Jul 18, 2015 8:20 am
Last Updated:Aug 3, 2015 2:45 am
5290 Views
|
Another for the old farts theme
I went to the doctor complaining of water on the knee
He told me to aim straighter
Made me smile...
I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
Birthday. 'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Surfers Paradise and put her on every ride in the park:
The Death Slide
The Wall of Fear
The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and
M&Ms!
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation... 'I meant my dress size, you f****ing idiot!!!'
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong
These are compliments of Mikey
HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS
Actual excerpts from hospital charts
(Parenthetical thoughts are mine.)
1. The patient refused autopsy. (Wouldn't you?)
2. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. (Could be a problem.)
3. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. (Really! Someone roll her over.)
4. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. (Check under her legging.)
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed. (Ya think?)
6. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. (How's that again?)
7. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
(Well, I'm glad we've got that timeline straight.)
8. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (Rectal? Thyroid? OMG!)
9. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Huh?)
10. Skin: somewhat pale but present. (Could be very messy otherwise.)
11. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. (Couldn't we use a more comfortable surface? A table? A bed? Something?)
And a few more...
A quiz...
Q1. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? (wet)
Q2. What is the main reason for divorce?
(marriage)
Q3. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? (large hands)
Q4. River Ravi flows in which state? (liquid)
Q5. What can you never eat for breakfast? (lunch or dinner)
Q6. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
(I've never seen an elephant with a hand)
Q7. What looks like half an apple? (the other half)
Q8. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
(no time at all, it's already built)
Q9. How can a man go ten days without sleeping?
(No problem, you sleep at night)
Q10. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? (Any way you want, properly poured and reinforced concrete floors are very hard to crack.)
This one is compliments of kevin
How did the first Newfie get to Toronto?
They were playing ice hockey on the St. Lawrence and he got a breakaway.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (LightMeUp4U) use [blog LightMeUp4U] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
|
31
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
291
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
