The Lifestyle Online 1
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Posted:Apr 9, 2017 1:34 pm
Last Updated:Apr 9, 2017 1:48 pm
3036 Views
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Many involved in the BDSM lifestyle have been introduced to it through the Internet and online chat rooms. Online can be very intense and very special. It can also lead to great harm to many, just as real-time relationships can be quite intense and special and for others just as harmful. The possible harm in the online world is mainly emotional harm, though physical harm can happen when a submissive follows directions from one who claims to be a Dominant who is either uneducated or not a Dominant at all, but a player.
What I wish to speak of now is emotional harm. Where most physical harm will heal, emotional harm can last a lifetime. I have seen so very often where a submissive is harmed because he/she gives all their trust to one not worthy of it. Submissive’s have several desires, desire to please, desire to be owned, a desire to be loved, and a desire to be treasured. These desires can leave a submissive quite open to being harmed emotionally. These desires are very intense, but they are very much a part of them. And it is important that a submissive understands these needs and how to have them met properly. For an abuser, it is easy for them to become prey, if the submissive does not understand. An abuser takes these desires and carefully uses them to harm another. So please understand yourself, understand your needs, and understand that with patience, you will find what it is you seek and your desires will be met.
Abusers use these needs to trap a submissive. They are very careful they know how to manipulate the desires of another. They act as though they desire them, make them feel as though they are loved, but the one who is being targeted knows in their heart the relationship is not a good one. What the abuser has done is draw the one so deeply in, they feel they cannot back away. Even though they know it is a bad relationship, the abuser meets just enough needs to entwine them. The abuser makes them feel as if they are the one who is at fault for any problems in the relationship and in doing this the abuser sucks the life from them, but does not allow them to be free. Often it is said when online the "Off" button is a safety measure and that can work for a time but once one is drawn in deeply by the manipulations of an abuser it is hard to hit that button but you can be free of abuse.
I am going to express things one should watch for and consider. If these things are occurring please seriously consider what is going on with your relationship.
1. Isolation - Are you regularly kept from talking to others, in a chat room or any other venue? Are you not allowed to have input from others? Are you with no real cause not allowed to talk to others who were your friends? Temporary separation from others does happen but it is only for a limited time and only to give a submissive time to consider things and learn. But it is important to consider, is this one who claims to be a Dominant so insecure about them self and your relationship they cannot allow you to talk to others? A true Dominant is not insecure and will not keep you from openly talking with others so that you also are secure in yourself and the relationship you are building with Him/Her.
2. Belittlement - Do you feel as if you are put down? Do you feel like less of a person than you did before you met this person? Do your insecurities grow as you have gotten more involved with this person? True Dominant’s desire to build up and help to make others the best they can be. If it is the one they claim as their own that desire is even more intense. To a true Dominant this possession is a treasure and will be treated with great care and love.
3. Terror - Are you afraid to speak openly to the one who claims to be a Dominant? Are you afraid that your words will not be respected? Afraid you will be screamed at or made to feel guilty for expressing yourself? A true Dominant will not do that. You should feel and you need to know you have a right to express your concerns and they will be listened to. A true Dominant will listen to you and allow you to express yourself and then the Dominant will talk with you. Does this mean the Dominant's view is right or yours? No, but a true Dominant will respect you, just as you respect that Dominant.
4. Lack of trust - Do you feel a lack of trust for the one claiming to be a Dominant? Are there many questions in your mind and heart which cannot be answered? In any relationship questions do arise especially as two begin to learn of each other. But are you not allowed to discuss them? Or is the answer if you do raise a question from the other is a question, "Why do you doubt me?" A true Dominant will desire to build your trust and security. As I said in any relationship questions arise a true Dominant understands this and will allow you to express yourself. The Dominant's desire is that you have absolute peace and trust first in yourself and then in the relationship you both are building and living.
-as soon as your Dominant comes online you should greet them immediately if not go to them.
-always use the title to refer to your Dominant that they have set (Master, Mistress, etc.). This includes when not in the presence of them. For example if you are in conversation about your Master, you refer to them as such. Do not be ashamed of your role as a submissive.
-always follow your Dominants rules you will be much happier that way unless you like to push for the punishment factor.
-you are always in submission to your Dominant whether they are present or not. How you act will directly reflect to your Dominant so act accordingly.
-always wear your collar that has been given to you. It signifies ownership and your devotion to your Dominant.
-Communication is the key I cannot stress this enough. You have to be able to communicate your needs, fears, limits, etc. in order to have a fulfilling relationship.
-always be honest with your Dominant, there is nothing worse than head games
-always be respectful when talking to others you never know who you are talking to and it can and will reflect badly on your Dominant.
-a huge pet peeve is when your Dominant enters or leaves you are to acknowledge them.
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The Lifestyle Online II
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Posted:Apr 9, 2017 1:33 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2024 6:8 pm
2997 Views
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Each Dominant will have their set of rules for you to obey this is just the basic policy used and seems to be very successful.
Acceptance:
This is the ability to see and accept your self for whom and what you are be they your good points or your bad ones. This includes knowing your limitations yet keeping the thought that things can change and knowing you will change as well. This is the ability to let yourself be who you are to take pride and pleasure in the person you are and not lose that acceptance because someone said you are not what you know you are.
Communication:
This is the ability to talk openly and honestly about what is in your heart and mind, your opinions and beliefs, your needs verses your wants, your responses or reactions, basically to be able to talk about everything. This ability also calls into play the honesty of the submissive and the Dominant. Once open communication has been established it should remain that way and will do so provided the submissive does not stop communicating honestly. To not communicate is to endanger your self physically and emotionally. Communication need not always be verbal. Just so long as what you need to say to your partner gets said to them, then the lines of communication stay open. For example, you may find a particular topic easier to write about in your journal and thus tell your partner that way. This is still communicating.
Courtesy:
This one is fairly self explanatory but many people have asked me for specifics on courtesy. Since the specifics of this one vary with each relationship I will only address general manners. It is the ability to show proper courtesy by using please and thank you addressing people with general respect and courtesy.
Grace:
This is another whose specifics varies with each relationship, but is basically the ability to not appear stilted or halting in your movements. I'm not sure this one is of major importance to many people but has come up frequently. Of course this may be affected by physical limitations that will reduce its importance.
Growth:
The ability to grow within your self look for and attain new goals. Be these mental, emotional or physical goals. The ability to continue to grow and sharpen your abilities is very important as it prevents the relationship from stagnating and helps you to grow as a submissive and thus discover new ways to please or serve your Dominant.
Honesty:
Personally I feel this shouldn't need to be said but there are far too many people who lack honesty so it has to be said. Honesty is the ability to speak up, be open and truthful about what you say. Don't hide your emotions, fears, limits, fantasies, ideas and thoughts. Don't tell the Dominant what you think he/she wants to hear. A successful submissive is an honest person, one who does not lie, deceive, or intentionally manipulate. Honesty builds trust. Trust is the basis of a relationship. To lie breaks down the trust and therefore the relationship by removing its very foundation.
Humility:
This is basically the ability to see that you can be fallible. A successful submissive knows they will make mistakes and that they are not perfect. A successful submissive admits his/her mistakes and strives to correct them. Creating an attitude of being better than anyone else is not a desired trait. Having a sense of pride is good but humility is necessary to prevent one from being arrogant.
Intelligence:
By intelligence I don't mean book smart, the ability to do long involved mathematical equations. As it applies to a successful submissive, intelligence is the ability to think for them selves. The ability to make informed decisions about whom to submit to and just how far submission goes. The ability to take the time to learn their partner outside the roles of Dominant and submissive, to learn them as the person they are, their likes and dislikes. The ability to learn what pleases their Dominant and remembers those things.
Loyalty:
This is a very important trait in a submissive. It is the ability to uphold your Dominants rules over anyone else. A successful submissive will not act in a manner that will raise doubts about his/her commitment to their Dominant. It is upholding your end of the agreement made with your partner to the best of your abilities. This can also mean standing by your partner when difficulties arise. This tends to come hand in hand with commitment and both are necessary for a long term relationship to survive.
Obedience:
This is exactly what is in everyday life, the ability to do what you are told. Within a power exchange relationship this means willingly following the terms of your Dominant and doing what you are told. Willing obedience is pleasing to the submissive as well as the Dominant. This can directly relate to the person's submissiveness. A submissive does not obey because they fear their Dominant they obey because they have an intense need to please the Dominant. This does not mean blind obedience (never question anything). Specifics regarding obedience do vary with each relationship, but obeying ones Dominant is part of a power exchange relationship and is expected.
Open Mind:
This is the ability to view things with as little preset prejudice as possible. To maintain the ability to learn new things and be open to trying something new or different. It directly compliments Growth.
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The Lifestyle Online III
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Posted:Apr 9, 2017 1:31 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2024 6:8 pm
2594 Views
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Patience:
That is the ability to wait for things. Being pushy is aggravating. This does not mean to push your most urgent needs aside, but to learn the difference between what the necessity is and what is not and to convey these things to the Dominant.
Pride:
This does not mean be arrogant, just the knowledge of your ability. Having a sense of pride in your abilities shows that you have a healthy sense of self esteem and your whole identity does not rely on another's point of view. A good submissive values them selves and respects their own limits. A solid sense of self esteem is a necessity for a submissive or they can become co-dependent upon the Dominant, relying on the Dominant for their own mental picture of themselves. Humility is part of this as well.
Respect:
The ability to show respect through one's tone of voice, manners and general attitude. A submissive must respect their Dominant and be respectful to others. This goes along with manners. Showing respect to one's Dominant should be at all times, and not just when the submissive feels like it. Yes, we have arguments in these relationships, but a submissive should strive to maintain a respectful demeanor even during such times.
Service:
Willingly completing tasks (sexual or otherwise) set for you by your Dominant. As well as to apply your observations to the things you do to please your Dominant. Service usually points to those things outside of sexual ones and play sessions. Such things as housework, cooking, and other things designed to make the home of the Dominant more pleasing to him/her. Service can include tasks set for you by the Dominant which do not fall under household chores. Perhaps the household budgeting is one task the Dominant sets upon you, cooking his/her favorite meal, and many other things can be service. Basically anything done with the direct intent to please the Dominant in some manner can be seen as service.
Submissiveness:
This can be taught or an inherent personality trait. This is the need to please others and by doing so pleasing yourself. As well it is the ability to give in to another's control and feel content doing so. Submissiveness as a learned behavior does occur in BDSM relationships. This usually happens as the submissive gains experience and thus grows in their submission. However if a person has to learn to submit against their natural inclinations, then submission is probably not for them.
Trust:
A submissive must be able to trust their self, the choices they make and be able to trust others. An overly wary or closed submissive, will have a more difficult time attaining a good relationship with a Dominant. Being able to trust your instincts is necessary for a submissive, especially when looking for a Dominant because your instincts will often tell you if something is not right. Listen to them because to ignore them can be dangerous
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Sterile Safety
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Posted:Apr 9, 2017 1:29 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2024 6:8 pm
3169 Views
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To be Sterile is to be without living organisms. This means that an object must be free or cleansed of all forms of known life including microscopic bacteria and viruses. Achievement of a state of sterility for objects used or reused in BDSM scening is often a poorly understood issue for newcomers into the D/s or BDSM communities. Ignoring sterilization issues puts anyone who contacts such a 'soiled' scene object at high risk for exposure to disease. Since we now have several aggressive diseases which are life-threatening or fatal it becomes increasingly important that persons involving themselves in higher risk activities (such as BDSM scening) thoroughly educate themselves to the 'real' dangers and mandatory handling techniques of 'soiled' scene objects necessary to provide real 'safety' to those coming into contact with such objects.
The first choice of any individual scening in the BDSM community is to provide their own scene objects. This choice is frequently called a personal reserve. By utilizing 'sub' specific objects the 'sub' reduces the potential of any tool or object used upon them to have or pass disease to them. The general idea of this practice is quite simple; it is hard to catch something from yourself. Having or owning a personal reserve does not exclude the sub from practicing aggressive sterilization techniques upon their own equipment. Full and proper maintenance of a 'kit' includes complete and thorough cleaning and sterilization where possible to reduce the risks to the individual further. It can be considered that such maintenance is a form of self-respect and respect for any Dominant who may 'use' this reserve in-scene. It has increasingly become my position that any sub/switch/slave/bottom should choose to create and maintain their personal 'scene kit', and that they should list 'cross-scening apparatus' as a hard limit with any and all persons they might scene with. A Dominant/Top may purchase 'to' this kit but they should relinquish all ownership privileges to any objects so purchased (when such objects are unable to be fully sterilized). I also recommend that the 'sub' should color code or otherwise 'overtly' distinguish their kit objects so that if they are being scened with other persons or subs present that the scening Dominant or Top can easily distinguish the correct ownership of the objects in use. This also makes it easier to identify correct ownership of an object at the completion of scening.
Some objects used in BDSM scening can be purchased pre-sterilized. These include condoms, hypodermic needles, catheters, medical lubricants, medical soaps, sutures etc. Hypodermic needles should never be reused after scening. The person purchasing the needles should also insure that they have appropriate 'sharps' containers for proper disposal of the needles after use. Recently I have received numerous reports from Submissive’s that have had piercings done through 'reputable' piercing companies or individuals. Several of these Submissive’s have reported that their nipples and labia piercings appeared to heal properly for a few months, and then they discovered discoloration of the skin, lumps and other discomforts. Upon investigation (doctor’s visits and examinations) at least two of these subs have reported that the 'needles' used to pierce their nipples were contaminated and passed to them staff infections as well as other bacteria. It should be noted that the human nipple is not skin but glandular; these glands could be considered to be conduits to deeper tissues within the breasts. As a result of this 'cluster' of nipple/labia related submissive injuries I am now suggesting that any submissive intent on receiving piercings 'scene or permanent' should purchase the necessary 'sterile needles' themselves and provide them to the practitioner at the time of the piercing. It is also important to remember that the practitioner of any form of needle or skin penetration play must be 'as sterile as possible'. Many practitioners use sterile gloves, medical sterilizing soaps and the same types of scene preparation that one would normally associate with any medical procedure. Failure to follow standard sterilization techniques is a violation of 'SAFE' play.
Many objects used in BDSM scening can be sterilized using an autoclave. This is a device which applies significant steam heat and pressure to 'burn away' many microorganisms. If you do not have access to an autoclave then you can utilize a kitchen 'pressure cooker' to sterilize anything which will stand the incumbent heat involved. Place the objects (such as medical sounds, all metal knives, metal cock rings, nipple clamps etc.) into a paper bag and seal the bag well with masking tape. Elevate the bag above the water (in the bottom of the pressure cooker) using a rack or metal basket (many pressure cookers come with such attachments). Cook the bags for 30 minutes at 15 pounds of pressure. (Some items may require this process to be completed twice with a cool down period in between) Allow the pressure cooker to cool then lift the basket (without touching the bags) and place the basket or rack into your kitchen oven (preheat the oven to 200 degrees). Immediately shut off the oven and allow the heat in the oven to dry out the bags. Once cooled the paper bags can be placed into a zip lock bag (remember not to open the bags until or during scene) - label the zip lock bag and store once more in your kit. It is crucial to remember that anything which comes into contact with blood or semen must be sterilized between uses. Anything which comes into contact with bodily fluids (such as sweat) should be sterilized between uses. When purchasing any object for scening be certain to ask the sales person for proper handling, sterilization, cleaning and storage of that object. Remember that objects come in all kinds of materials and that each may require a specific type of handling.
Most leather goods including whips, floggers, paddles etc. cannot be sterilized. In addition these objects may serrate the skin and accumulate trace amounts of blood and bodily fluids during scene. Most such accumulations are barely visible and a Dominant/Top may erroneously conclude that the whip is still 'clean'. Some leather goods and canes can be cleaned or decontaminated using a mixture of 10% chlorine bleach, 70% alcohol and 10% hydrogen peroxide. This mixture will generally kill most bacteria and viruses. (Use appropriate safety gloves when using these chemicals) It will kill HIV but it will not kill other viruses such as hepatitis or herpes. This mixture may cause discoloration, staining, stiffening or other changes in leather and other goods. When using the mixture be sure to thoroughly rinse (with water) the object being so cleaned before using that object again. This is a decent mixture for many of the dildos, butt plugs, cockrings and piercing implements (those which are not hollow needles). Please note that hollow needles cannot be adequately sterilized (dispose of them after usage).
Lubricants can also convey microorganisms. The person 'dipping' or 'touching' the lubricant should be sterile or use sterile gloves. Only use the lubricant on the owner of the lubricant - do not go from sub to sub with a tube or tub.
The first 'thing' to go into any kit 'Dom or sub' is a completion certificate from a comprehensive CPR course. Before playing, educate yourself on the minimums of response necessary to keep your scene partner alive. Many BDSM organizations have members within the medical fields who offer CPR BDSM specific courses. TAKE ONE!
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My Submissive
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Posted:Apr 9, 2017 1:28 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2024 6:8 pm
2651 Views
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I am a Dom.
I am Man or I am Woman.
I am the person who has lived only in your dreams.
Or perhaps your nightmares.
You do not understand the emotions surging in your breast.
Awe, fear, need ... others you dare not explore too closely Lest you recognize them for what they are.
You come before Me on bended knee
But not understanding why you do so.
You are a person who commands respect in your vanilla world.
Yet you want only to taste the leather of My boots upon your lips, Or the heavenly feel of My crop upon your bare buttocks.
You look upon me with fear and wonder, and most of all, respect. You know that I could destroy your world with ease. A well placed photo, a single note to spouse,
Your world would fall like a house of cards in a gentle breeze...
You look into my eyes...and are reassured by all you see.
For just as my demands upon you are without negotiation ...
So, too, is the trust you have placed in me.
You realize I shall not allow the magic between us
To go beyond My play room walls;
No Dom worthy of the title ever would.
You seek me as does the its mother.
You seek me because you know deep, deep down inside,
Where you never allow anyone else to see,
You can fly only when you are beneath My boots;
You are free only when you are in My chains.
The submission you give to me, you give freely, and as a gift. I accept it, knowing what you have given me is a part of your soul.
It is far more dear to you than even precious gold.
It shall be treated as such; the sweetest gift I shall ever own.
You are my submissive; I your Dominant.
We are two who are yet forever one.
What so ever the world may send your way,
Be it good times or bad, this simple fact shall never alter;
Regardless of honors the world may lay at your feet,
Or grief it may heap upon your brow ...
You know that you have found the truest form of freedom ... in the words ...
"Yes Sir"
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I Want To Be Trained
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Posted:Apr 9, 2017 1:27 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2024 6:8 pm
3058 Views
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These are delightful words to hear. They show desire, they promise fun, and they speak of trust. But what does it mean to train a submissive? It is far more than instructing a submissive on the expectations of a particular Dominant, or making them a good submissive (there being no such thing). It is also never a one way flow of information or learning.
I think of training in four contexts, which often occur simultaneously to some degree. At my stage of development both in terms of relationships and D/s, none of them occur outside the context of an ongoing relationship.
1. Introduction to BDSM
A novice who has yet to experience much play with discipline, toys, language, role-playing, humiliation and so on needs to be gradually introduced to a taste of each. This will let them gauge their appetite for more, and to deal with whatever concerns or issues they may need to address internally and with their Dominant before proceeding.
This process of taste, consideration and resolve, proceeds to continue and repeats itself, both for particular activities and for D/s itself. Whether submissive or Dominant we all need to come to terms with what we like, why we like it, what it means about us, what it means about our partners and what it will mean for our relationships.
Training can help a submissive find their limits, hard and soft, and determine what level of submission and erotic power exchange they need and enjoy. Are they a brat who wants to misbehave and be soundly disciplined? Are they good who is eager to please and hates to be found misbehaving?
An experienced submissive needs less of this “trying out” but it is still required to confirm mutual understanding when they communicates their needs. When they say, “I like severe discipline, but not humiliation,” what do they mean?
2. Mutual Introduction
Training is also the way in which a Dominant shows a submissive “This is how erotic power exchange will be with me.” At the same time they are learning what kind of submissive they are and whether they will meet their needs both physically and emotionally in this sphere.
To wield power over someone you must understand them. The more power is used, the more spontaneous and dramatic, the more often, the more understanding is required. Otherwise that power will not be used well and rightly. Training is part of how a Dominant learns the initial outline of a submissive’s needs, enough to build upon later through constant further learning and mutual growth.
A good Dominant is flexible on some points. A submissive that was very dear to me had difficulty shaving, it irritated them badly. Being a generous soul and valuing them greatly, I did not impose this unwanted discomfort on them. I merely gave them a couple of firm, playful smacks each and every time the area was exposed to remind them to thank me for my generosity.
3. Molding the Relationship
Training is indeed learning the technical details of a Dominant’s expectations. If I say “Stand easy” or “kneel up,” what do I mean?
It is also reaching an understanding together of how the relationship will work. What will be between two people is never dictated only by one, even one who is one. It is the combination of two and their needs.
Training can also mean retraining. What will be between two will be, also not be what has been between any other two. Whether good or bad, there is a human tendency to recreate or replay what has been familiar even if it is not what would be best. We try what worked before, and we repeat the same self defeating behavior, until we learn to recognize it. Training can be a means, for a submissive at least, to start something new. My own view is that it is desirable in relationships if the Dominant also approaches things differently each time, both to assure his submissive they are not being made into a replica of someone else and to condition them self to be with someone new.
A submissive does not want to hear about the glorious oral skills of a past partner (although they will be told how to improve theirs, glorious or not there is always room for improvement), this is not terribly ego enhancing. A Dominant also does not wish to hear that “Master “Paul” always did …. “ These desires are simply the wise and positive, wish to be with who you are, both here and now.
However, “bad” habits may need to be abandoned and new ones learned. “Bad” may mean truly troubling and disturbing, ultimately unhealthy, or simply not the best way and sometimes best is simply “new.” It is always best if what is created is unique. The special name I give you will not have been given to another; the true collar I affix to your neck will never have graced another’s and the particular ways and means you please me will be yours.
4. Specialization and Increasing Erotic Competence
Training can also be undertaken specifically to introduce particular acts or toys to erotic play, and to create a particular role, such as pony boy. A submissive who has never engaged in any form of anal play may be gradually introduced to it through “anal training.”
Public behavior is another particular area of training a submissive may be required to master if their Master wishes to take them into public D/s settings. Do you want to interact in public in ways that express your private relationship?
While it can be fun, it can be tiresome if most new activities were formalized in this way, but if a submissive has issues to work through and wants help working through them the structure of “training” can help do this gradually, and can give a sense of accomplishment.
5. Specifics
There are lots of websites with descriptions commands, positions, and expectations. This is something a Dominant truly must make their own, for it must flow naturally from within them. Enforcing someone else’s rules is both bothersome and joyless. All I will say about my specific expectations and approach to training is that Professor Higgins had it right when with Eliza Doolittle.
Not that anyone plucked off the street can be made into a proper submissive; there is indeed an inner quality that must be present. Now here are the general areas that good training for a submissive should cover (and submissive’s are young at least at heart).
- Personal Hygiene - a submissive is always clean and fresh, hair well kept (where they still have it.)
- Proper Speech - knowing proper forms of address and to please by sound alone.
- Deportment - grace should be evident in how they adopt and keep any posture and in their dress.
- Etiquette - knowledge of precedence and how to deal with better and equal.
Now when a submissive has mastered all of those, they are suitable to have a Master. For with such a submissive, a Master has a suitable companion and one he knows will bring him credit.
Final Thoughts
The medium of training is also an important reflection of the emotional side of the relationship. Most submissive’s want not only physical play but the emotional nurturing that is part of any good relationship. Those seeking a Master as well as a Dominant may also find comfort in the concept of guidance.
The role of teacher is a familiar embodiment of authority that is benevolent, intended for your welfare, and seeking to improve and strengthen you. This expresses in many ways, the role of Master and submissive including the fact that a teacher may find himself learning from an exceptional student, and such students are a pleasure to teach worth many hours of extracurricular activity.
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Dominant
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Posted:Apr 9, 2017 1:25 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2024 6:8 pm
2306 Views
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A Dominant is the partner in a BDSM relationship who takes the active or controlling role over that of the submissive partner. The Dominant has a great deal of responsibility upon their shoulders. They have chosen to care for another human being and control many, if not all, aspects of a submissives life. Most importantly,they must be extremely careful with the submissive as they give up so much of themselves.
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Dominant / Submissive Relationship
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Posted:Apr 9, 2017 1:16 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2024 6:8 pm
2686 Views
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The Truth about D/S It’s a relationship between two people.
How is that relationship structured, and what is it based upon is a vital question.
The Submissive gives up control to the Dominant until such time they feel it is necessary to take that control back. This means that it is the Submissive who is ultimately in control, and the Dominant who is in charge until such time they lose that power from their Submissive. Sounds simple doesn’t it, but...
There are of course many forms of what is also called by some a "power exchange relationship". As there are Dominants and Submissives finding each other and developing their individual bond.
In the truest form of a Dominant/Submissive relationship the Submissive partner has no say beyond choosing to wear or to remove the collar.
Even in this extreme form of D/S relationship there are stages through which a relationship is progressing. Some relationships make it through all of those stages, some don’t, and some reach their maturity faster, some progress slowly. And these are the different stages.
1. Before commitment the control lies with the submissive.
2. At commitment Control passes to the Dominant with limitations.
3. As the Dominant teaches more limits through learning about their Submissive, more control might be given by the Submissive.
4. At the height of their relationship total control is given to the Dominant.
5. At decline the Submissive gradually takes back control.
6. At the end of their relationship Submissive has regained total control.
7. The above stages are merely for a short term relationship. In the long term the Submissive does not gain control it is entrusted to the Dominant.
The matter of fact is that the relationship between a Dominant and his Submissive is interactive, alive and running through stages until maturity. Not every relationship will go through all of them and there is no rule about if and how fast or slow these phases might occur. Even at the height of the Dominants control, the power to take it back is always there with the Submissive.
The truth is the Dominant is in charge but the ultimate control lies with the Submissive.
With that being stated there is no such thing as a person giving up their freedom. However in a committed D/S relationship control is given to the Dominate. Does that mean that the Submissive should pride themselves of that fact and use it as a way of steering the Dominant?
Nope as a matter of fact this is known as "topping from the bottom". By many it is considered as the greatest sign of disrespect that a Submissive can show to the Dominant. As a matter of fact, it is deceit.
A Submissive must be able to entrust the Dominant completely and desires for them to be in charge whole heartedly and purely. If a Submissive doesn’t trust the Dominant to be in charge, then they must never go bottoming under them while trying to top them from below at the same time. They should remove their collar and move on.
This of course is meant to be true only for a serious D/S relationship. Those who just play it or are just getting to know their partner might choose to make their own exceptions.
The foundation behind releasing control over to a Dominant is trust and respect. Trust, that the Dominant will guide, guard, develop and correct his Submissive (oh yes, it also involves the ultimate form of love as well, not the selfish kind that only cares for oneself and is based mostly on feelings), as well as respect for the Dominant that will result in obedience and service, which means the willingness to serve their Dominants needs rather than their own.
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Common BDSM Terms
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Posted:Apr 9, 2017 1:12 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2024 6:8 pm
3100 Views
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BODY MODIFICATION: Any practice, including piercing, tattooing, branding, and the like, intended to modify, often permanently, the appearance of one's body.
BONDAGE: Any practice involving tying or securing a person, as with ropes, cuffs, chains, or other restraints.
BRANDING: The use of a heated metal implement to brand a person's skin, leaving a permanent mark in the form of a scar.
BRAT: A submissive who may refuse to obey a dominant's commands, tease or taunt the dominant, or engage in other activity intended to provoke a response, often a punishment response.
BUKKAKE: A sexual practice, originating in Japan, in which a very large number of men masturbate and ejaculate onto a person.
COLLARING CEREMONY: A formal ceremony celebrating or symbolizing a commitment between a dominant and a submissive, typically during which a collar is placed around the submissive's neck. Commentary: There is no single type of collaring ceremony, and not all people in committed relationships in the BDSM community practice collaring ceremonies. A collaring ceremony in the BDSM community has many of the same kinds of social significance as something like a marriage or a wedding; often, the process of collaring is used to indicate a committed long-term relationship. A submissive who has participated in such a ceremony is often said to be "collared to" his or her dominant. A collar in this context has symbolic value not unlike that of, say, a wedding ring. Collaring ceremonies may be public or private, and may include whatever elements the people involved find appropriate. Collaring ceremonies may or may not imply a monogamous relationship; one dominant may have more than one collared submissive, but it is extremely uncommon for one submissive to be collared to more than one dominant.
DOMINANT: A person who assumes a role of power or authority in a power exchange relationship. A dominant takes psychological control over or has power over another person, and may, for example, give that person orders which are to be obeyed.
GOR: A mythical planet created by science fiction writer John Norman and used as the setting for an entire series of science fiction novels. The novels describe a civilization in which women occupy an extremely submissive position in society and are often used as sex slaves. The novels describes a formalized, ritualized set of social structures centered around female submission and male superiority, which have been adopted by a sub community of people within the BDSM community.
GOREAN D/S: Male domination and female submission according to a formal system adapted from the fictitious society described in the Gor novels, and characterized by strong hierarchy, male superiority, and an elaborate system of protocols. Includes such elements as ritualized postures and positions which women are expected to take in the presence of men under certain circumstances. Also Gorean master, Gorean slave: one who adopts a dominant or submissive role in a manner which reflects the society described in the novels.
MASOCHIST: One who experiences arousal, excitement, or sexual gratification from receiving pain.
ORAL SERVITUDE: A specific form of submission in which the submissive partner satisfies the dominant partner orally, but is generally not permitted to have other, more conventional forms of sexual contact with the dominant.
ORGASM DENIAL: The practice whereby one person is not permitted to reach sexual orgasm without the permission of another person, or for a set period of time, or sometimes at all, even though that person may be permitted (or required) to engage in sexual activity or sex.
POWER EXCHANGE: Any situation where two or more people consensually and voluntarily agree to a power relationship in which one (or more) people assume authority and one (ore more) people yield authority.
PUPPY PLAY: An activity in which the submissive takes on the role of a puppy, as by barking, walking on all fours, and in some cases even sleeping in a doghouse or cage.
SADIST: One who is aroused, excited, or receives sexual gratification from inflicting pain on another. A sadist does not necessarily take pleasure in inflicting pain indiscriminately; for most sadists, the pleasure relies on knowing that the subject is also enjoying the experience.
SADOMASOCHISM: Any activity or practice involving the inflicting or receiving of pain.
SAFE WORD: A predefined "code word" which a submissive can use to stop an ongoing activity if it becomes too much.
SCENE: 1. A specific period of BDSM activity; as in, We had a scene lasting about two hours last night. 2. The BDSM community as a whole. 3. In the scene: participating in the organized BDSM community.
SLAVE AUCTION: An event sometimes held at play parties, conventions catering to BDSM participants, and the like, in which submissive’s are auctioned off for the use by the highest bidder in some context or for a set period of time. Slave auctions are sometimes held at BDSM-related events to raise money for charity.
SPREAD EAGLE: A posture in which a person is bound or restrained with the legs spread apart and the arms spread wide with the hands over the person's head.
SUBMISSIVE: One who assumes a role of submission in a power exchange relationship. A submissive is a person who seeks a position of or occupies a role of intentional, consensual powerlessness, allowing another person to take control over him or her.
SWITCH: One who can change roles, being either dominant or submissive (or, less frequently, sadistic or masochistic) at different times or with different partners.
TOTAL POWER EXCHANGE (TPE): A relationship in which one person surrenders control to another person for an indefinite duration, and in which the relationship is defined by the fact that one person is always dominant and the other is always submissive. One of the more extreme forms of power exchange. Sometimes referred to as lifestyle D/s.
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BDSM Tools I
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Posted:Apr 9, 2017 1:11 pm
Last Updated:Apr 9, 2017 1:48 pm
3292 Views
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ANKLE CUFFS: Specifically designed to be affixed to a person's ankles. Ankle cuffs are often made of leather, but may also be made of cloth, rope, metal, or even wood.
BALL GAG: Consisting of a ball, usually made of rubber, which is attached to a strap. The ball is placed in the mouth and the strap is placed around the head to hold it securely in place.
BELTING: The practice of striking a person with a belt or with any long, narrow, belt-like strap.
BIRCH: An implement used for striking, consisting of a bundle of light, thin wooden rods, typically made of birch.
BLINDFOLD: Any implement designed to prevent a person from seeing by covering the eyes.
BODY HARNESS: A harness consisting of a series of straps designed to be worn around the torso, which may optionally include a mechanism for locking the harness into place and may also include rings or other attachments for ropes, cuffs, or chastity belts.
BULLWHIP: A type of single tail consisting of a woven or braided leather whip, usually longer than 4' and sometimes 6' long or more, with a short rigid handle. Requires extensive practice and great skill to use safely.
CANE: A thin, flexible instrument used to strike a person. Canes are often made of rattan or a similar material, but may be made of other types of wood or even of flexible plastic such as polycarbonate. They are quite painful, often leaving marked welts.
CAT O' NINE TAILS: A specific type of flogger consisting of a handle, often made of wood and wrapped with cloth, with nine lashes affixed to it. The lashes are usually made of rope or of leather cords, and are braided or knotted.
CHASTITY BELT: Any device intended to prohibit contact with or stimulation of the genitals. Female chastity belts often take the form of a lockable harness which passes between the legs and around the waist; male chastity belts may include a locking enclosure into which the penis is placed.
CHASTITY PIERCING: Any body piercing intended to prevent sexual intercourse; as, piercings along the labia which can be locked together to prevent penetration, or a piercing of the foreskin which can be used to pull the foreskin over the head of the penis and lock it in place.
COCK RING: A ring (often made of metal or rubber) or strap designed to be affixed around the base of an erect penis. The ring allows blood to flow into the penis but constricts the penis sufficiently to prevent blood from flowing out; preventing the penis from becoming flaccid once it is erect.
COLLAR: An item worn around the neck, sometimes equipped with a locking device to prevent its removal, and often worn as a symbol of submission.
CROP: A thin, flexible instrument used for striking, consisting of a rigid but flexible shaft wrapped with leather or a similar material, with a handle at one end and often with a small leather loop at the other.
CUFF: Any restraint which has a band or band-like structure, which may be made of metal or of a flexible material such as canvas or leather, intended to be strapped or locked around an extremity such as a wrist or ankle for the purpose of securing or immobilizing it.
DRAGON'S TAIL: An unusual type of whip consisting of a handle, often made of wood and wrapped with leather, to which a wide triangular piece of thin leather or suede is attached. This leather or suede forms a lash which is a hollow tube tapering to a point at the striking end.
DRAGON'S TONGUE: An unusual type of whip consisting of a handle, often made of wood and wrapped with leather, and a lash made of a single wide piece of leather or suede wrapped around another, thinner suede lash. The outer lash is rolled into a tube around the inner lash, and tapers to a point at the striking end.
EVIL STICK: An implement consisting of a thin rod of carbon fiber, typically about the diameter of a mechanical pencil lead, attached to a small, rigid handle. The carbon fiber rod is flexible and very strong; when laid against the skin and then flicked with a strong upward motion at its tip, it causes a sharp pain and typically leaves a thin, well-defined welt that can persist for days.
FLOGGER: An implement used to strike a person, consisting of a handle with multiple lashes attached to it. The lashes are typically made of leather, but may also be made of materials such as rope, suede, horsehair, or even Koosh balls.
FUCKING MACHINE: Any device or machine which is designed to simulate the act of sex; often consisting of a dildo affixed to a reciprocating motor so as to thrust in and out of a person. Many varieties of fucking machines exist, some designed so that the subject straddles or sits on them, others designed to be used when the subject is prone or spread-eagle.
GIMP MASK: Colloquial A specific form of hood, often made of heavy leather or rubber, which entirely encloses the face and head, and which often lacks openings for the eyes, mouth, or ears.
HANDCUFFS: Narrow metal cuffs with a pivoting hinge and a ratcheted locking mechanism, connected to each other by a short length of chain and often used to restrain people's wrists together.
HOG TIE: A bondage technique in which the bound person's ankles and wrists are bound together, usually behind the back; then the ankles are bound to the wrists while the person lies on his or her stomach
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BDSM Tools II
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Posted:Apr 9, 2017 1:07 pm
Last Updated:Apr 9, 2017 1:08 pm
2782 Views
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LEG IRONS: A set of locking cuffs, often made of iron fastened together with rivets, with a length of chain about a foot long between them. Designed to be locked around the legs or ankles in such a way that the bound person can still walk, in a slow, shuffling gait, but cannot run.
LUNGE WHIP: A specific type of whip consisting of a handle attached to a long, flexible shaft, often made of fiberglass and typically about 65" long or so, with a single long, narrow lash. Lunge whips often telescope or disassemble for easy storage.
NIPPLE CLAMP: Any clamp or clamp-like device designed to be clamped to a subject's nipples. May include a mechanism for adjusting or limiting the amount of pressure applied to the nipple.
PADDLE: Any stiff, hard implement, often made of wood, used for striking a person, most commonly on the buttocks.
PILLORY BED: A bed with a stock built into the headboard and/or foot-board, such that a person lying on the bed may have the stock closed over his or her ankles, wrists, or wrists and head to restrain the person and prevent him or her from leaving the bed.
RACK: Any type of bondage furniture consisting of a framework or platform to which a person may be bound; often derived from a Medieval implement consisting of a platform and a wheeled mechanism designed to stretch or pull the person bound to it.
SLAPPER: An implement used for striking a person, consisting of two thick leather paddles bound together at the handle, such that when the person is struck the two paddles hit one another, creating a loud sound.
SLING: An item of furniture, usually made of leather, canvas, or nylon webbing, suspended by chains or cables from the ceiling.
SPREADER BAR: An implement consisting of a rigid bar or rod, often with attachment points for restraints built into it at each end, designed to be attached to a person's feet or ankles so as to hold the person's legs spread apart. May be adjustable in length.
ST. ANDREW'S CROSS: A popular type of bondage furniture consisting of an X-shaped cross, commonly made of wood but occasionally made of metal or other materials, to which a person can be bound and flogged, whipped, and so on.
STOCK: A device used for bondage consisting of a vertical wooden post or a wooden frame atop which is set two heavy wood planks which close around a person's neck and wrists.
SYBIAN: One popular variety of commercially-available fucking machines consisting of a dildo affixed to a dome-shaped saddle which the user sits on.
TWEEZER CLAMPS: A type of nipple clamp consisting of long, thin, tweezer-like clamps made of flexible spring steel, with a ring which can be used to adjust their tightness.
VIOLET WAND: A device used for electrical play consisting of a handle, which contains a high-voltage coil and several interchangeable electrodes, most commonly made of glass and filled with a gas which glows a brilliant purple in the presence of an electrical field.
VIPER: An instrument used for striking a person, consisting of a rigid handle and a small number of narrow, flat lashes made of thin rubber, each of which tapers to a point at the striking end.
WHIP: An implement used for striking people, consisting of one or more lashes (often made of leather or of some stiff material wrapped or braided in leather) affixed to a handle. 2. Any of a class of knots made by wrapping one part of a rope repeatedly around itself or around another rope.
WHIPPING POST: A fixed upright post often made of wood and secured at the base so as to be immobile, to which a person may be bound and then whipped or flogged.
WOODEN : An implement consisting of a wooden plank supported edgewise between two upright fixed posts, or of two sheets of wood coming together at a sharp angle with the edge facing up, to which a female submissive is bound with her legs off the floor. The submissive is bound in such a way she straddles plank or the point of the triangle, causing her entire body weight to rest on her clitoris.
WOODEN PONY: An implement consisting of a wooden plank supported edgewise between two upright fixed posts, which a female submissive straddles and is bound in place. The plank is at such a height that the submissive's weight is not borne by the plank so long as she remains standing on tiptoes; as her legs tire, she will eventually have no choice but to lower herself onto the edge of the plank, which is extremely painful.
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BDSM rituals and rule-bound relationships
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Posted:Apr 9, 2017 1:06 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2024 6:8 pm
2674 Views
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BDSM rituals and rule-bound relationships
Bondage is an intellectual or spiritual knowledge like practice claiming to require special knowledge unavailable to non- practitioners. Likewise, I have little use for long lists of legalized rules with itemized consequences. All too often the excess in rituals seem to become ends within themselves rather than the means to some higher end.
Anyone who has dealt intimately with a woman over time knows that, although not always overjoyed at the prospects of unceremoniously losing their knickers to a thoroughly provoked mate, women do not run from a well-deserved accompaniment.
So, what do women often do? Test a man's resolve? Naturally! Refuse to cooperate? It happens. Protest? Not unheard of. Demand to interfere? Occasionally – especially if a man uses his hand. Actually run? No – not if she trusts the man. Mad because she got spanked? Sometimes. Wants a divorce simply because she was spanked by her husband? Not that I have seen. (In divorce there is something else going on.)
The chains that bind are in a woman's heart. Often there is a certain no-nonsense tone of voice or that look which women respect. Although few women are explicit in their requirements, most expect men to take charge and eventually come to despise the man in their lives when it does not happen.
Much like the Apostle Paul – who received almost two hundred lashes from his irate former comrades and, still, never condemned whipping – many women intuitively understand that merely preserving a pristine backside and unflappable composure solves nothing when more important things fall apart during the shortsighted self-serving conservation effort.
To be sure, couples discover – sometimes even stumble – onto the seemingly magical transformation in their relationship through a variety of means. It might be a logical conclusion or the result of sheer desperation. Others find it through erotic play. Perhaps some discover it through BDSM rituals.
Regardless of the path, domestic discipline comes about when couples realize that this needs to happen in order to release the tension and restore the harmony within the marriage. It is part of a quality or attribute that is difficult to describe or express that happens between a man and a woman and that is beyond the ability to language to easily explain.
Although the analysis may seem judgmental it is not that BDSM is necessarily wrong or even misguided. Some couples may even need the formalized structure that BDSM provides as training wheels for an upright relationship. Yet, as with a myriad of rules and a laundry list of consequences, the rigid formalism seems to lack a facility that is not quite grasped. In BDSM, there is too much emphasis on ceremony and not enough attention is paid to substance.
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BDSM 3
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Posted:Apr 7, 2017 11:23 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2024 6:8 pm
2409 Views
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Obedience:
This is exactly what is in everyday life, the ability to do what you are told. Within a power exchange relationship this means willingly following the terms of your Dominant and doing what you are told. Willing obedience is pleasing to the submissive as well as the Dominant. This can directly relate to the person's submissiveness. A submissive does not obey because they fear their Dominant they obey because they have an intense need to please the Dominant. This does not mean blind obedience (never question anything). Specifics regarding obedience do vary with each relationship, but obeying ones Dominant is part of a power exchange relationship and is expected.
Open Mind:
This is the ability to view things with as little preset prejudice as possible. To maintain the ability to learn new things and be open to trying something new or different. It directly compliments Growth.
Patience:
That is the ability to wait for things. Being pushy is aggravating. This does not mean to push your most urgent needs aside, but to learn the difference between what the necessity is and what is not and to convey these things to the Dominant.
Pride:
This does not mean be arrogant, just the knowledge of your ability. Having a sense of pride in your abilities shows that you have a healthy sense of self esteem and your whole identity does not rely on another's point of view. A good submissive values themselves and respects their own limits. A solid sense of self esteem is a necessity for a submissive or they can become co-dependent upon the Dominant, relying on the Dominant for their own mental picture of themselves. Humility is part of this as well.
Respect:
The ability to show respect through one's tone of voice, manners and general attitude. A submissive must respect their Dominant and be respectful to others. This goes along with manners. Showing respect to one's Dominant should be at all times, and not just when the submissive feels like it. Yes, we have arguments in these relationships, but a submissive should strive to maintain a respectful demeanor even during such times.
Service:
Willingly completing tasks (sexual or otherwise) set for you by your Dominant. As well as to apply your observations to the things you do to please your Dominant. Service usually points to those things outside of sexual ones and play sessions. Such things as housework, cooking, and other things designed to make the home of the Dominant more pleasing to him/her. Service can include tasks set for you by the Dominant which do not fall under household chores. Perhaps the household budgeting is one task the Dominant sets upon you, cooking his/her favorite meal, and many other things can be service. Basically anything done with the direct intent to please the Dominant in some manner can be seen as service.
Submissiveness:
This can be taught or an inherent personality trait. This is the need to please others and by doing so pleasing yourself. As well it is the ability to give in to another's control and feel content doing so. Submissiveness as a learned behavior does occur in BDSM relationships. This usually happens as the submissive gains experience and thus grows in their submission. However if a person has to learn to submit against their natural inclinations, then submission is probably not for them.
Trust:
A submissive must be able to trust their self, the choices they make and be able to trust others. An overly wary or closed submissive, will have a more difficult time attaining a good relationship with a Dominant. Being able to trust your instincts is necessary for a submissive, especially when looking for a Dominant because your instincts will often tell you if something is not right. Listen to them because to ignore them can be dangerous.
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To link to this blog (TenaciousThomas) use [blog TenaciousThomas] in your messages.
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